Memories rage inside my mind. Times past, times recent, all jumbled in my brain as though spinning their own tale penned by a kaleidoscope. My anxiety is high as of late - a horrible never ending cycle that consumes my ability to sleep.
It riddles me with intense emotion and even irritability. I have a sense of laying in wait - restless, helpless - for something. The shoe to drop, maybe? Failure? Being outed as everything my mind convinced me as truth? Maybe anxious is just the unknowing of it all.
I feel as though Im suffocating in this thick dark cloud. It puts its weight on me, weakening my resolve with every passing minute. How long before it breaks?
I am afraid, too. This anxiety is patrnered with a fear so raw and chilling that I can feel the icicles of it along my spine. Where did such a fear come from? I am not one who lets down the guard at my door... this sneaky fear must have found the cracks within my wall again. The pressure ...
Irrationality plagues my thoughts, it breeds within the memories that haunt me. I am stuck within its power - it pulls me into it again and again - a magnet for the torture within me.
Why has this storm, this battle, this war arrived at my borders so early this year? I've had no time to prepare - my defenses are low and my battle plan not yet drawn out. Is this the time I will lose?
I am remembering so much. Things of pain, mistakes, heartache. Things of gratefulness. Things of uncertainty and guilt.
Im facing a new year and have nothing to show of my own worth of the old. My tears and sweat have long since dried in the fabric of the story they've made - and the kaleidoscope has swished them between its twisting turns and made them something else. A tool against me, they skew my vision and blind me.
What battle plan, what hope have I, I face a silent changing foe. It eats at me in nibbles and morsels, tearing away piece by piece that which makes me whole. And I am afraid.
