It's funny when you know something, deep down, and yet every time it comes to the surface you push it away. Almost as though, if you will it away enough, its not real.
Love is a strange thing. It can allow you to fully give yourself over and over again without thought to receiving anything in return, without needing or wanting. It can be very fulfilling, and yet so empty and void of everything at the same time.
I am torn. Between two places, one person. Do I continue to love and sacrifice absolutely everything that I need and want, and live with things as they are, because I can never expect anything more - or do I suck it up and find away to get away because I do want more, and it would never be what I truly want?
There are so many ways in which I pride myself in not needing the "fluff". I don't need (or even want) someone around all the time, who has all the same interests, etc etc. That being said, I am a girl, first and foremost and there is just some "fluff" I can't live without.
I love touch. Hand holding, arms around me, cuddling up on the couch, random kisses, amazing hugs ... I need it. It's calming, peaceful, and makes me feel like someone knows I exist. I am a hopeless romantic -- I love the little things. Thoughtful things. Voicemails of songs that mean something, things that make my life easier, little ways that someone could show me that they know me, they see me, and that they thought of me.
While I've come to accept that at this point, these things are impossible ... it pains me to hear others notice it as well. Commenting on the non-chalance of what we have, the casual intimacy that is anything but intimate. I can count on one hand the number of time I have felt my hand in yours. This isn't who I am, and its not what I want.
I hear you talk about beautiful women, women that you're not afraid to say "wow" to. And never once have I felt beautiful to you. Never do you tell me what you're thinking ... as though you're afraid of the way I would react.
I cry a lot anymore. I am learning that love is not enough. Where that was once what I thought I needed, I know now it's not. Even friendship - you are my best friend - is not enough. We truly have nothing. And it is the reality of that that saddens me most. These are the thoughts that overwhelm me in silence, that haunt me in idleness, and that paralyze me of feeling. I want so badly to shut it off, to disconnect it ... but we pretend, day in and day out, that we have a connection. Instead, we have become an obligation to each other, a prison... we are trapped within this warped perception. Neither of us know how to define it and I challenge that maybe there is nothing to define. I can't stand this thought, this implication of illusion but I can't shake it's authenticity.
When we were together last, I almost asked why. I talked myself out of the question because not only did I not want to know your answer, but I knew you'd never give it. I also didn't truly know why I'd answer myself.
I don't understand this dynamic, why it has changed me. Why I don't do exactly as I would want to do, or say what I would want to say. All I know -- it's because I am afraid of you.
You are not good for me. There is nothing more I need or want that you would give me at this point. I know that I should not settle for less than what I can live with, and yet I find myself willing to, because of my love for you. I am no better than the naivety that I so hate in other girls. The desperation of a sickening love that has consumed them enough to forget themselves. And I have forgotten me.
I am a girl, who needs to be needed. I need to be wanted, appreciated, complimented, and touched. I shouldn't feel bad for these things, and yet I do. My guilt is heavy, and I feel as though this is my karma, my worth come back to haunt me.
I have become broken. Before, where I was cracked ... I am now laid open, bare. I have wounds that have nothing to heal with, as though caused by acid or poison. My confidence in who I was, what I could do, what I would become or have, or even want has become nothing more than days full of hope for the hopeless.
I know that you could be all of these things - you would do all of these things - if you wanted to. You have before - and you will again -- although not with me. But if you can't do these things with me, then you need to do nothing with me. You've become the cancer to my heart and soul that I cannot treat with medicine. The only answer is removal.
I know that I have pushed you away before, only to draw you back closer. I am weak - and I need you to be strong. I need you to use your walls, your reality, and what you want -- and keep me out. I need you to push me away and keep me there. For my own health and safety. I can't do it alone. I will never be able to.
I cannot blame you for this. You knew, just as you've always known. You questioned, you doubted, you stood on the fence and teetered back and forth, something blaring "no" to you, loudly and clearly ... you tried to tell me and I couldn't listen. Love seems to not only be blind, but deaf as well.
We have everything, and yet, I've found that everything is also nothing. And it can never will be anything when only one side wants it to be ... that is the reality.
(posted without edits or proofreading)
