Milestone

This is a difficult night for me. I keep feeling the thoughts creeping up on me and I've been fighting them back as though reality will somehow stay at bay by doing so.

I am turning 30 in less than 2 hours.

Last year, on this day, I felt the heavy weight of the impending year. The burden of attempting to fulfill all I'd hoped by this day. I laid out plots, dreams, hopes, even fears to overcome.

And strangely, life got in the way. This year has been a battle in itself, to stay upright, to float, even to tread water at times.

I look back now, and see changes that are better for me than the plans I created. I lost a job that caused me crazy amounts of stress, took me from my kids, and drained me of every piece that made me who I am. I lost a relationship that was more of an addiction than something healthy. I learned to not compromise because of doing so much of it and feeling the unease it caused.

I discovered how much my family means to me, and I spend more time with my parents than I have ever done since I left home 15 years ago. I am learning to relax, to cuddle, to laugh, and to watch movies.

I've started a job with a company that helps me feel worthwhile and irreplaceable. I'm happy there, and its like a mini-family.

I've become content with being a single mom. I have moments of loneliness, and wish sometimes that I had what my friends and family members have. But in the end, I dont have time for it. I have beautiful girls that count on me, and that I love with all of my heart. There is nothing like their hugs, their kisses, the way they look at me when something makes them happy.

I may not have a huge successful career, make a ton of money, or own my own home, but I have learned about myself and about the real path I want my life to take. And I think its better than any of the plans I had for myself.

And tomorrow, when I wake, I can make new plans ..and take a new step. After all, its just a new beginning.